In my relationship with clothes, I am guilty of several sins. Lust and pride and gluttony foremost among them. In my defense, I want to state that buying excessive amounts of clothing, at excessive prices, is also about individual expression of art with the body as a canvas. It’s about the shared pleasure of friends bonding on a shopping trip. It’s about the feeling so aptly stated in all those L’Oreal commercials....I’m worth it.
But reality has been chasing me for a while, and I’ve been in denial. This past week, the denial dam broke (make sure you read that phrase correctly please), and I took the necessary steps to accept who I am. In the process, I feel lighter and brighter, and readier to continue the process of becoming who I will be.
Oh yeah....this is going to be one of those philosophical, introspective blog posts.
For most of my adult life, I exercised moderation in the act of buying clothes. I tried to time the sales. I thought about what I needed rather than succumb blindly to the latest fashion trends. I practiced restraint. I thought this was because I was an intelligent and thoughtful consumer. It turns out that it was only because money was tight.
As I grew older, and finances allowed, I was able to fund my clothing allowance more generously. I became a bit more frivolous. My daughter once critiqued a purchase by saying, “Mom...you need to make a fashion statement.” I took her comment as permission to stop looking like a mom, whatever that means. But the true turning point in my wardrobe acquisition came when I started dancing.
It turns out that when you dance, you need proper attire. And each form of dance needs it’s own attire. Contradancing requires loose, flowing skirts that twirl with a flourish. Country-western dance calls for short skirts and fringe. Ballroom dancing means cocktail dresses. Swing dancing is accentuated by short, kicky outfits. Of course each of these activities has it’s own shoe requirements as well. I was into all these forms of dance; my closet contents expanded accordingly. In fact, I expanded into two closets.
During this time, I was also working, and justifying many clothing purchases based on the need for professionalism. More shoes, more bags, more scarves, more sweaters and skirts and pants and jackets.
ENOUGH!
TOO MUCH!
Throughout the last 10 years of this accumulation, it was complicated by the fact that my body kept changing sizes. First I lost 25 pounds, bringing me to a perfect weight. I went a bit crazy celebrating this new and wonderful body. I sustained that perfection for three whole years, thanks to all that dancing, and the influx of clothing at that time was my tribute to my accomplishment.
Then I fell in love and gained 20 pounds. That was enough to require new sizes. But I was sure I could take it off and get back into the clothes I loved. I yo-yoed with that 20 pounds for several years. Then menopause started (none of that peri-stuff...this was the real deal), and control of my weight became a phantom dream. Lose 5 pounds, gain 15. Lose 10, gain 20. Lose 0, gain 10. End result: 50 pounds more than my dancing girl days.
Longtime readers of this blog know that I’ve had several pithy things to say about the topic of weight gain and dieting. I’ve not given up trying (I AM doing all the RIGHT things!). But my shape isn’t changing, and the closet crisis had to be dealt with.
This week I said goodbye to that slender girl I used to be. I took all the clothes I’ve been hoping I’d fit back into and I sent them off to new homes. I steeled myself against the pleas of “just one more chance...give me just one more chance.” Out damn spot! Out dress, out skirt, out blouses and sweaters and jackets. Out all you sweet young things who’ve hardly been worn. Out all you overpriced products of foreign sweatshops. Out out out. Go. Leave. You are not ME anymore.
I said hello to space, to light, to room. I said hello to the real me, the one whose body isn’t so pretty anymore, the one who has lost her waistline and doesn’t know where to find it. Hello to the me who has fallen in love with yoga, and goes to Curves because it’s good for me. Hello to the me who is far more mindful about what I eat far more often. Hello to the me whose clothing allowance now goes to buy yarn. Hello to the me who scours the ample-knitters list for great ideas. Hello to the me who is always in the process of change, and to the me I will be next year and in 5 years and in 25 years.
I may not look lighter, but I feel much lighter. About 50 pounds lighter, to be exact.
It's just all about state of mind... isn't it? :)
Posted by: Jessica | 09/24/2005 at 11:27 PM
Good for you! YOU are fabulous! Just as you are. =)
Posted by: Tam | 09/25/2005 at 02:10 AM
Great post, Sharon. What a long, hard road we all travel to make some kind of peace with our bodies. Good for you!!!
Posted by: Bron | 09/25/2005 at 09:21 AM
Bravo for you and your post! You are an encouragement to me. And thanks for your kind words.
Posted by: lynete | 09/25/2005 at 09:28 AM
Good for you! Acceptance is the secret to good living.
Posted by: margene | 09/25/2005 at 11:08 AM
I hope when this baby is born I can find the same "place". I've heard that when people reach a certain age they gradually lose weight ANYWAY!! By nature or something, I don't know. That's something to look forward to. :)
Posted by: Laura | 09/25/2005 at 11:36 AM
Yeah, Sharon! Great outlook and great post. :)
Posted by: Annie | 09/25/2005 at 03:05 PM
Yay, Sharon! Self-acceptance is the best gift we can give ourselves.
Posted by: Norma | 09/25/2005 at 06:47 PM
I just love reading your posts. I still feel we are joined at the hip because we're so similar. I too fought to lose weight. I am about 10 lbs. heavier than I want to be but after reading your blog, I'm ready to say "So what!?" I realize I need to accept ME and feel I no longer have to apologize for my body. Afterall I'm now 63 and entitled to relax and just be content with myself! It's about time!
I must admit I had another eye-opening event last night: I went to my 45th high school class reunion. Without a doubt, I was in much better shape than most (conservatively, I was in the 95th percentile)! I couldn't believe how everyone had sagged, expanded, and wrinkled. I didn't feel I had a thing in common with all those "old people."
Sharon Skaryd
Posted by: Sharon Skaryd | 09/25/2005 at 08:16 PM
I had a similar revelation a few years ago. How painful it was to release the past, but you're so right: what freedom in embracing the now! What closet space!
I think you're quite beautiful. And the fact that you dance impresses the heck outta me. One day I want to see you guys dance. (I have three left feet and walking takes all my focus...so I admire, not participate!)
Big hugs,
~Susie
Posted by: Susie | 09/26/2005 at 08:12 AM
When you do get that weight off you will want all new clothes, might as well make room for them now!
Posted by: Teresa | 09/26/2005 at 09:09 AM
You've learned something very powerful -- how wonderful it feels to be materially lighter. Your body is beautiful when you love and accept it. Continue to embrace who you are today -- inside and out, and you'll be even more marvelous tomorrow.
Posted by: Gina | 09/26/2005 at 11:31 AM
YEAH!!! I am a big fan of "If it doesn't make you hapy when you look at it, toss it out!!" I will never be the cheerleader I once was, my body has celebrated 13 years of marriage and 3 children..I am so much more woman that that cheerleader could ever dream :-)
Posted by: Ma Hatfield | 09/26/2005 at 02:33 PM
Good for you! Don't you feel like dancing now?
Posted by: Rebecca | 09/26/2005 at 08:05 PM
We are all more beautiful than our mirrors will ever admit.
I did a similar purging a year ago last summer. Mys ister was job hunting and I was not going to go back for a while so I gave her most of my suits. Even though I've gone back to work, I don't regret it one bit. I recently went through the ones I kept and put them in the consignment closet. One of these days I'll get around to getting those sold, too. At least they are out of my closet and I'm down to the clothes that make me feel good.
Posted by: stephanie | 09/26/2005 at 10:41 PM
Good for you! I should do the same thing, as it will lighten my load for my upcoming move. I have all these short cocktail dresses from when I was in Hong Kong, which - now that I am older - make me look like I am trying too hard to look young. Ugh.
Posted by: Ellen | 09/28/2005 at 07:30 AM
You are FABULOUS!!!!
Posted by: sedie | 09/28/2005 at 04:03 PM
Sharon, do you realize just how many of us you have gifted with your incredible insight!
You have given me the inspiration I need to also change my deepest thoughts on my body image. We do need to learn to love ourselves just as we are. Don't we?
And what a liberating idea. Thank you.
Posted by: Bonnie | 09/29/2005 at 07:45 AM