I feel like I'm knitting constantly, and I know I'm progressing, but I'm still too far from finished on all my projects. I could bore you with progress pictures. Or perhaps I could offer some entertainment by telling you about my mind's latest journey......
Midway on my journey through life, I realized I had taken the wrong path. I set out on a pilgrimage to find Enlightenment. To reach my goal, I had to pass through the Knitter's Inferno….all nine circles.
In each circle of the Inferno, I saw sinners being punished for their sins.
Circle One - Those in limbo. The neutral, the uncommitted. Those who know how to knit, and occasionally make something, but they can take it or leave it. Their punishment is to be excluded from the fellowship of the truly obsessed. They will never know the fun and satisfaction of a knit-in or yarn shop hop.
Circle Two - The lustful. Is this you? It's certainly me. We want it all. We envy everything we see on someone else's blog. Our punishment is that we are never satisfied with our own accomplishments because we are too preoccupied lusting after others.
Circle Three - The gluttonous. Speaking for myself, I'm guilty. Not only do I want want want, I buy buy buy. My punishment is the Mastercard statement staring me in the face.
Circle Four - The hoarders. You know who you are. You want. You buy. You keep it all to yourself. You are the Secret Pal who doesn't send anything. You are the person who takes Noro out of the Stash box and puts Red Heart in its place. You are condemned to useless labor….tinking endlessly.
Circle Five - The wrathful. You are the one who sneers at people who knit only scarves. You are the one who rants about the ugly sweaters you see on others. You are the one who hates ponchos and thinks they should be banned for eternity. (You might be right!) You are entitled to your opinion, but is it necessary to be so vitriolic when presenting it? If you are entitled to your opinion, why is it so awful when others exercise their own rights? Your punishment is to spend your eternity knitting Martha's Poncho.
Circle Six - The heretics. Non-believers. You don't see anything so special about knitting. You say things like….why would you spend all that money and time knitting that lush cashmere sweater when you could buy it on sale at T.J. Maxx for $29.99? Your punishment is to be confined to shopping at Walmart for eternity.
Circle Seven - The violent. You've been known to start fights at your local LYS over the last ball of sock yarn in the bin. You are condemned to having your needles confiscated every time you get on a plane.
Circle Eight - The Fraudulent. This includes....
Panderers and Seducers….Matt, Rob…..I love you, but you can't deny your guilt. If you don't stop trying to tempt me with every new colorway of Colinette, you will be punished by the UPS man bringing you daily shipments of dreck.
Flatterers. Every yarn shop salesperson who tries to tell me that those horizontal stripes will look just fine ringing my hips. You are condemned to an eternal diet of Krispy Kremes. That's all you'll get to eat. You'll be sorry soon enough.
Sorcerers. All you hand-dying wizards who make it impossible for me to resist. You are included in this category, even though you are extraordinary artists. I can't get enough of your goods...and I can't knit them up fast enough. You are driving me to despair. Your punishment will be fitting...forever standing over bubbling cauldrons of color. You may not die, but you will forever dye.
Circle Nine - Traitors of every ilk
Traitors to their kindred. Have you ever put your knitting ahead of your family's needs? Knit when you should have been watching your offspring play soccer, should have been cooking a nourishing meal, should have been listening to the same old litany of complaints about the boss?
Traitors to their country….have you ever stayed seated during the playing of the National Anthem, because you had to finish that row?
Traitors to their guests….ever told your guests to help themselves because you were too engrossed to get up and serve dinner?
Traitors to their lords…ever knit on company time?
Traitors will have sullied reputations for time eternal. Gee whiz, that's a shame.
Eventually I emerged from Hell. On my way through the circles I have found Enlightenment. I have found the Way. I know my Path. Put a pair of needles and some yarn in my hands, and all will be well. The sun will shine. The moon and the stars will be in rhythm. I will knit. This is my Path.
Brilliant. I'm sure there's room for another witty knitter in the publishing world. ;)
Posted by: Bron | 03/20/2005 at 06:33 PM
OMG! This is a hilarious post! I'm with you in hell though.
Posted by: monica | 03/20/2005 at 07:49 PM
You are so funny. I died laughing! I fear I will pass through several more circles before my journey's end. Thank you for sharing yours. Now, where's my knitting?
Posted by: Julia | 03/20/2005 at 08:05 PM
Wow, I think I've been to several of those rings. Does knitting when I should be studying count?
Posted by: Lara | 03/20/2005 at 11:50 PM
The bubbling cauldron. We're all there. Painfully destitute because we've spent our last cent on beautiful hand dyed yarn. But... do we really want to be anywhere else? :)
Posted by: Laura | 03/21/2005 at 12:12 AM
Yay Sharon! great entry!!
I suppose I should cast on for my hair shirt -- seems I'm in a bunch of those circles....
Posted by: ann | 03/21/2005 at 08:20 AM
I'm a 2.5--between cirles two and three. I want to make so much that I see on other blogs and buy it all too.
I crocheted a Martha poncho last week, and I'm not ashamed to say that I like it very much. I guess that would in me into a circle of my own.
Posted by: Vera | 03/21/2005 at 08:31 AM
A laugh of the day! Love your post..I am sure most people (knitters) can find a circle that identifies themselves. I can be a 2 or a 3 and I I try to avoid circle 8 people ... but it's sure a hard thing to do.
Posted by: Bernadette | 03/21/2005 at 08:42 AM
I have certainly visited a few of those circles!
Posted by: tacha | 03/21/2005 at 09:14 AM
Guitly of a few there. You have hit the nail on the head with those in Circle Five. I have never understood their self righteous behavior. And thanks for finally uncovering those charlatans, Matt and Rob. I know they have driven many to destitution, and done so with smiles on their faces. But you gotta love 'em anyway.
Posted by: Chris | 03/21/2005 at 09:19 AM
The best post I have read in a long time! Thank you for a good laugh this morning to start my day. And thanks especially for Circle #5. It never ceases to amaze me how people can be so condescending and mean. Thanks again!
Posted by: Dorothy | 03/21/2005 at 09:34 AM
Ah, I thought I had made it clear until the last level. You caught me!
This is a very wonderful blog post - everybody needs to see it!
Posted by: Susan | 03/21/2005 at 09:43 AM
That made my day! Thanks! :)
Posted by: Kim | 03/21/2005 at 04:02 PM
Well, you have your dreck wish. Today we received another box of Glowlash from Erdal. 1 1/4" eyelash yarn (dense, too) that's 85% polyester and 15% lurex and just ungawdly sparkly and icky. But you know what? It sells.....(shaking head>
Posted by: Rob | 03/21/2005 at 06:34 PM
PS--more Colinette arrives on Wednesday
Posted by: Rob | 03/21/2005 at 06:35 PM
OMG this is absolutely hilarious. I kept laughing over and over while I read this. You are indeed too much!
Posted by: Jesse | 03/21/2005 at 07:03 PM
Oy...my kids were wondering why I was squealing with delight at the computer. I have made it through all nine circles and am heading back for more.
Posted by: Rebecca | 03/21/2005 at 09:25 PM
*clicks knitting needles together in appreciation*
Posted by: wendy | 03/22/2005 at 01:30 AM
This is a great post -- inspired, even!
You are definitely better off with a juice extractor for getting every drop of juice out of good things, rather than going to a high school reunion and hoping for something juicy (like gossip). I went to one college reunion once, and was so deeply bored I dropped in on another class's reunion instead.
Posted by: blogdog | 03/22/2005 at 06:51 PM
Right on! I cannot go to see Matt and Rob until they are able to make my charges look like they came from Home Depot.
Posted by: Barbara Sylvia | 03/23/2005 at 02:08 PM
Loved it! Now I'm just trying to figure out which circle I'm currently stuck in.
Posted by: General Ginger | 03/24/2005 at 01:59 PM
Holy cow, is this funny... I'm blogging this with a link, FYI. Too good to not repost and share!
I'm a novice knitter, having just completed my first hat--my first deviation from scarves. I'm only just beginning to learn the love of knitting, though already I can't seem to put it down :-)
Posted by: Karissa | 03/24/2005 at 10:41 PM
I am a lustful traitor... but a happy one!
See you in hell... do you think they have Colinette there?
Posted by: Abbey | 03/25/2005 at 05:24 PM
I'm doomed and I don't care. I travel constantly through circles 2, 3, 4, and 9 and what's more I'm never leaving. It's just too much fun.
Posted by: Michelle | 03/27/2005 at 04:12 PM
Great post! 3 and 9, plus I am trying to be one of those horrible sorcerous 8s who push their handpainted yarns at people.... LOL!
I have to link this post from my blog :-)
Posted by: Lynne S | 04/01/2005 at 03:55 AM